Less Than Half A Decade And I’m Still Smarter Than You

Today is my birthday and I don’t feel older, but I do feel wiser. Case in point. I was in a conversation with somebody much younger than me who stated that the Nintendo was “so retro”.

In my opinion; I classify “retro” as Disco, Punch Cards, B&W Television, Basic Cable included HBO, MTV had more than 20 videos.

Does this make me old or wiser? I believe its wiser. Why? Because I know where today’s technology came from. But, I have to say that many people my age are also ignorant to what I know. I wish I had a nickel every time somebody I went to high school with sent me a private message on Facebook and asked me to help them create a resume because they couldn’t figure out how to use a Word Processing application.

 You Have Become My Grandfather

I still remember the day my Grandfather walked in to the kitchen with tears in his eyes. When I asked him what had made him so sad, he replied, “Christy (His favorite teller at his bank) told me she couldn’t chat unless she charged me $2.50″.

I tried to explain to this broken hearted old man that Banks were encouraging people to use ATMs and Online Banking. However, these things were alien to him. All he knew was that this young girl was no longer willing to chat with him when he deposited his social security check without charging him a fee. Bless my Grandpa’s heart when he said “In my day I could have hired a girl for some fun for only $2.50″.

Why Do You Cling To Old Tech?

I understand that not everybody can afford to drop $2500 on the latest and greatest computers or $300 on a new smartphone. But, you can not expect your DVD to play from your VHS player or Madden 2014 to run on your Atari 2600 .

So why would you expect a prospective employer to look at your resume created in WordPerfect formatting? What were you expecting when you bought your kids a PlayStation and they laughed at you cause you couldn’t find the HDMI port on your 10 year old television?

Pick up a magazine. Read a newspaper. Online hopefully, because both are about to become extinct. Which leads to my next point.

Lose The Paper

Why are you still getting mail? Seriously. The United States Postal Service should not exist today. But it does because you’re too lazy to request online billing, statements and banking.

“But I need proof!”

Bah. Everything delivered digitally is available online. These things are still accessible when your house burns down unlike the folder files you put in that cute $39.99 file cabinet from Walmart.

I found it hysterical when I heard that most people wouldn’t have Donald Trump proof of their birth if they were asked to provide such documents. The most common response was “I’ll have to check storage”.

I can pull mine off of the “cloud” from a secure folder inside of 3 minutes.

I have access to all of my medical records.. and better.. so do my doctors.. from a website. I won’t deal with a doctor that doesn’t use mychart.org. Everything that is written down or typed in to a chart is available to any doctor that knows how to access it. My 68 year old doctor is more paperless than you are. That’s pathetic.

So Here’s What I’ve Learned

My under-educated classmates from high school and college have produced very happy families. The same people are frustrated because the wages from 1987 aren’t available anymore. They’re also pretty angry that they have to learn new skills; Skills they probably should have been learning 20 years ago instead of investing in to a mindless factory job.

I learned that I am able to adapt much quicker to new tech than my peers are. My peers are still stubborn and believe that a buck can be made with their hands. I have realized that my peers also believe that they deserve $14-$40/hour to assemble computer components and are infuriated when Chinese people are willing to work for $13/day to do the same thing.

I’ve learned that people still believe in God even when Science provides evidence that we’re an anomaly and on our own. Faith is a beautiful, community binding thing. But, to ignore science is edging dangerously closer to Religion becoming a Cult.

I’m not asking people of Faith to give up their “God”. But, I am asking them to think twice about the ancient rituals and rules.

Skip Religion.. Lets Talk End of Days..

In forty-four years I’ve learned that life on Earth could end on any day. It could be Yellowstone blowing or somebody in Iran who smoked  one too many bong hits to end life as we know it. Be realistic. The fact that we not only sustain life on this planet, but are able to evolve to point that we can pay our credit card bills online is evidence enough that we have done more in 100 years than any religion has done in 2000 years. Skip the collection basket next Sunday.

In Closing..

I realize that this sounded like an anti-Religion rant. However, I am just relaying what I have learned and experienced over the past 44 years of my life. I have been “Religious” and I have lived without Religion. My life has been the same. If you need it to get through your day then I’m not knocking it. But, life is tough. So, don’t give credit to that unseen magical being for what you have accomplished.

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

Started out as a Kickstarter project and managed to double its projected funding to over $300,000. I happen to notice Peter Hauser’s project while watching the slow, agonizing progression of the much publicized Pebble Watch. Needless to say, I’m glad I jumped on board and got my hands on one of the first Cookoo Watches to ship this month.

There is alot of room for improvement in this great new bluetooth watch. An app for the Android OS has been delayed due to Bluetooth 4.0 limitations for example. Also, SMS and Email alerts are still forthcoming for the iOS (expected in iOS 6.1). Finally, the Calendar Event notifications are a little flakey.

However, despite all these “growing pains”; I am still very happy with my investment/purchase as these are wrinkles that can easily be ironed out with updates to the applications.

You can check out all the Cookoo Watches and Key Fobs at http://www.cookoowatch.com.

Until Next Time,

Happy Festivus (For the Rest of Us!) Eve!

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

I’m a technology junkie. I’m also a Geek. So, I love my toys.

I collect nerdy tee shirts, comic books and movie memorabilia. But, I am so a sucker for newest useless tech. 2012 has been a great example of my addiction to shinies!

1. More iPads – iPad 2 and subsequently an iPad 3rd Generation totaling 3 iPads in the house.
2. MacBook Pro – The final excuse for remaining planted on the couch instead of climbing 3 flights of steps to the home office.
3. Mophie Juice Pack Plus – Because plugging my iPhone in to the car power adapter is too much work. Now I can just flick a switch on the case and charge my phone while its still in my pocket.
4. Grid-It –  If you don’t know what this is, search Amazon and get one. Even if you’re not a geek, you’ll appreciate the sense of organization will deliver. Anything from cable management (in my case) to remotes. The possibilities are endless.
5. Grace Victoria Internet Radio – It looks like an 1930′s radio.. but wifi enabled and plays all internet based radio including Pandora, iheartradio, and thousands of other channels.
6. Philips Hue LED Lighting  - The only way I can justify this toy is that the LED bulbs use about 20 cents of electricity per year. The rest is just really geeky laziness.
7. Connectedevice Cookoo Watch – It hasn’t actually shipped yet. But, I’m very excited about it. I haven’t worn a watch in a few years as I’ve been holding out for the perfect Bluetooth watch that will pair with my smartphone and alert me when I get a text, email, voice mail, etc. without having to pull my phone out of my pocket.
8. 3 x RC Helicopters – Only 1 of the 3 still work as I crashed the other two during the learning process and haven’t figured out how to fix them yet. Not a cheap hobby.
9. Vespa PAN (Personal Area Network) Backpack – The scooter manufacturer introduced their line of backpacks with integrated cable and power management for mobile devices. And, of course, you can put stuff in it.
10. D-Link Wireless Surveillance Camera – Primary benefit is home security. More frequently used to watch the cats walk around the living room from my iPhone while I’m at work.
11. Harmon Kardon Bluetooth Headphones – Awesome and comfortable for listening to music or watching class lectures from the comfort of my couch. But, too expensive to where outside the house for fear of somebody yanking them off my head and running while I’m obliviously bopping to Howard Jones and Asia.
12. Electronic Magazine Subscriptions – With the exception of Wired, all of my magazines are now delivered each month wirelessly to my iPad and iPhone. Interactive and animated articles make my regular reading much more entertaining. Even the advertisements are fun!

So what more could a nerdy guy like me want in 2013?

I’ve got my eye on quite a few gadgets next year. Shit. I could rattle off at least 5 or 6 cool prototypes being funded on Kickstarter as we speak.

1. Lockitron – Secures to your door’s deadbolt lock and connects to your wifi network. You use your smartphone to unlock your door. No more fumbling for my keys and I never have to worry about locking myself out of my house. Even if I forget both my keys and my smartphone, I can log in to any computer and unlock my door remotely.
2. Wacom Intuos5 Tablet – I’ve seen the schematics and this drawing tablet is going to be fabulous! Overkill for a no talent illustrator like me. But, at least I can feel talented while I’m using it.
3. Sony PlayStation 4 (Rumored) – Supposedly this magical successor will include an SSD DVR, HD Cable Ready (To replace existing provider box) and of course game console.

I’m often envious that I wasn’t born 20 years later so that I could have enjoyed all the new tech instead of struggling with its evolution in its beginning phases. But, at least I can look forward to another 20 or 30 years of new toys in the future!

Until Next Time,

Remember that its your Faith, not our Faith. So keep it to yourself.

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

Not everybody has a short attention span and enjoys change every 365 days (or even every five years). Do not underestimate the value of familiarity with technology, especially for people who consider themselves “normal” (read: not geeks and nerds).

Change can be expensive and/or frustrating. Why fix what isn’t “broken?” Why not make incremental improvements to something that obviously resonates with your users? Too much change at one time is like tossing a frog into boiling water; users often need time to acclimate or you risk (as a product or service provider) alienating them.

Backlash is typically not something anybody wants to deal with. Frustration breeds contempt. So, when I see people kvetching about iOS being “boring,” I want to smack them upside the head and remind them that too much change to iOS would destroy one of the best things Apple has going for it. I don’t care if you don’t like Apple; I don’t care if you don’t like iOS; I don’t care if you think another OS is superior (which is a relative statement). People still do not generally like change if it happens too quickly.

Read More at LockerGnome.

Nerdgasm!!!

I thought I’d be waiting months or even a year for a port to Mac for Guild Wars 2. But, alas we’ve been duped! It’s available NOW!

And, to make it even sweeter.. no separate purchase necessary!

Get It Now!

Does that make me a Conservative?

I went to the Emtees today to turn in my seltzer, coke and water cans/bottles in return for my $.05 deposits. I take the proceeds of these deposits by the way and donate them to charity each month. Just wanted to clarify that. Not justify. Just clarify.

So, I pull up and run in to get a big cart to load up with the 8 garden sized trash bags of cans/bottles in the back of my Jeep. I’m initially surprised by the lack of carts when I walk in. But, I’m confused because the place is packed. Not like Social Security Check day at the grocery store. More like Christmas shopping at the mall kind of packed.

I squeeze through the mass of smells ranging from body odor to 14 day old Mountain Dew to the cashier who looks seriously labored. I ask him where all the carts are and he responds “Shit man. Look at all the fuckin’ people. This place is fuckin’ busy. Times are hard, Dude”.

I could accept that. At first. Then I took a good look around and a second whiff of the air around me.

Stale beer. And every cart was full of empty beer cans and bottles.

I’m not a prude. In fact I’m an alcoholic and I can appreciate the satisfaction of a good buzz during desperate times. But, I noticed some things that ruined my picture of compassion.

1. Beer is expensive. Yes. The obvious first.
2. A Rolex Watch
3. 4 BMWs in the parking lot. 3 of them at least 10 years newer than my own.
4. Lots of Nike high top basketball shoes that looked brand new.

Now before I continue; let me preface by telling my first time readers that I am not a judgmental kind of guy. And, this is why I am concerned. I feel sort of dirty that I noticed these things. I wasn’t really frustrated with anything more than the lack of carts to carry my cans and bottles.

But, now I can see how people less tolerant are sucked in to that whirlpool of hate. As soon as somebody points out to you that a group of people are “poor”, you begin looking for reasons why they aren’t poor. Why they’re inconveniencing you.

As soon as I recognized these reactions, I had to get a hold of myself and rethink it all. Soon, it made sense to me. I knew what needed to be done.

Two bags at a time, I took my bottles and cans in to Emtees and started distributing them in to the carts of the people in front of the machines regardless of who they were, what they looked like, what they were wearing or what horse they rode in on. I heard a lot of “God Bless You” and “Thank You So Much” and a couple “What The Fuck”. But only one person’s words stuck with me as I left were the clerk’s:

“That was the classiest shit I’ve ever seen”.

Until Next Time,

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

I’ll be posting excerpts from my upcoming book right here. So, be sure to bookmark this page now.

Ever wonder how you can trim down that bloated friends list? I’ll teach you how! Stay tuned!

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

You’re Not Right.

Just because you believe passionately about something does not make you right. And I use the word “right” loosely.

I understand that people believe in God. That’s cool. Personally, I prefer to give myself credit for my achievements and blame myself for my bad decisions. But, I do not dismiss those who prefer to offer their fate to a Deity.

On a technology level.. There is no “best” when it comes to what you do with your smart phone, computer, automobile or digital entertainment. If you are happy and enjoy the experiences you are having then it is all good. It is possible that there are better options available which will increase your enjoyment. But, it is not my place to tell you that what you are doing is wrong or “worse”.

Let Me Explain

In fact, those people who feel it necessary to “correct” people who are not experiencing the same level of enjoyment as they are, should be taken out back and raped violently by convicts who are seeking early release.

Don’t damn me yet. You can’t anyways since I’m an Agnostic. But, regardless. If your neighbor has DSL and you have Cable and you are irritated by the buffering during a movie while visiting your neighbor; that is your own discomfort. Your neighbor has accepted that as the norm. Yes, you have better bandwidth and it is more than acceptable to offer a suggestion that they look in to a cable alternative.

But, it is not your place to tell them that they suck and that they’re idiots for not having cable.

Unfortunately, this is something that people do because they believe that their opinion is Fact.

Politics Is No Different

Does Obama suck? I don’t know. My life hasn’t changed at all since he was sworn in to office. But, ask half of my friends, and my life sucks as a result of his occupancy in office. And, if I’m not aware of how badly my life sucks, then it only makes their point more potent.

Would Romney be a better President? I have no idea of knowing that because right now, all he is doing is telling us what he plans on doing. Sort of like Obama, Palin, etc. Will my life change if Romney is President. Probably not.

But, people will tell you that you are an idiot if you don’t choose a side. Mac or PC. Obama or Romney. Heinz or Hunt’s.

Whoops. The latter is the same.

Bottom Line

Appreciate somebody’s opinion. And, if it isn’t coherent with yours.. well, my opinion is to discuss your views with them. If they decide to jump off the deep end with it; then do what I do. Ignore them or change the subject.

Just like my ex-wife.. nothing will piss them off more than not arguing with them.

Until Next Time..

I wish that somebody were around that was able to tell me what to do and it would always improve my life. However, I don’t believe in God, so I can’t delude myself in that manner. But, I refuse to tell somebody that their ideas are wrong. Even the racists and homophobes. Even the Religious zealots. They; no WE are all looking for contentment. And, what ever that takes.. more power to you.

But, don’t you dare tell me what I should be doing to feel content. Or I’ll make sure you’re raped violently by convicts who are seeking early release.

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

Remember that today is not about a 3 day weekend, booze & BBQ. It is about the men and women who made it possible for you to enjoy those activities today.

Be Safe,

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

As an “Early Adapter” it is already frustrating that I am still forced to lug around a laptop computer with an antiquated optical drive and steampunk driven hard disk drive. But, now the media is actually encouraging these steps backwards.

Don’t Drop The Remote!

Local print newspapers are soliciting their 8×10″ 60 page TV Guides here in the northeast. What the fuck is that about. And, they are shamelessly targeting the already frustrated and confused elderly people by featuring a 70-something couple in their cable commercials bickering over how difficult it is to navigate the on screen guides. So, in the catch moment of the 45 second ad, the wife slaps her spouse with her “TV Weekly” and points out that the rerun of House that he’s looking for on a non-HD channel is on channel 85. Proclaiming, “Now aren’t you glad we got TV Weekly”.

Let me give our technology challenged friends a little enlightenment.

1. You have to pay for another subscription in addition to the one you shell out to have a newspaper on your porch every morning. The fact that you are still one of the last 15,000 people in the country still getting a newspaper delivered to your door is another conversation. But, for the elderly on a fixed income, paying even more for a second redundant publication blows my mind. Especially when the most comprehensive entertainment guide on the planet is sitting on your coffee table. Your remote.

2. Channel guides are searchable, offer filters and allow you to set your favorite channels. They’ll remind you when your favorite shows are about to begin and most will even save your favorite shows so that you can watch them when you get up at 4am since you missed them when you went to bed at 7:30pm.

The last time I saw a copy of TV Guide was next to my father’s armchair. I rarely used the guide myself. I knew exactly what channel MTV was on back then. Of course, their were only 15 channels in those days.

Online Technology Schools Are Hardly Educating

“For more information about obtaining your Online Degree in Technology, just pick up your phone and Call 1-800-WeR-DUMB and we’ll Mail you your informative welcome package”. I don’t think I need to go in to much detail on this one.

Calling Dr. Dumbass

I have 3 different Doctors but all of them have one thing in common. They bill via the United States Postal Service. Worse, I am unable to pay them unless I write and mail them a check or money order or call them and give them my credit card number. This is frustrating for a couple of reasons.

1. I haven’t written a paper check in almost 10 years. My current checking account doesn’t even offer the option of ordering paper checks.

2. I don’t buy stamps. Why not? Because I don’t fucking mail anything EXCEPT payment for my recent doctor visits!

Now, I’ve attempted to pay before I leave the doctor’s office. However, things like blood tests, etc. aren’t billed by my doctor. They’re billed by the blood testing lab which is not on premises. I am normally tolerant enough to overlook this lack of communication and technology. But, it is very difficult to avoid going in to an Incredible Hulk rage when the doctor’s assistant who is explaining the billing process to me is holding a god damned iPad!

A DVD Does Not Equate To Ownership

With digital deliveries of media content surpassing physical media (DVD, BluRay, CD-Rom) by 150% last year; there is absolutely no reason that you have to own a copy of anything on any of these mentioned mediums. Therefor, I do not need an optical drive in my computer. However, the computer manufacturers are still shipping majority of their new computer models with optical drives because Grandpa George will have a stroke if he does not have the physical disk in hand to prove that he owns the software or movie he purchased. As if the Software Police are going to come to his door and demand that he prove that he owns that copy of Quicken ’97 by presenting them with his original CD-Rom.

Download the software. It is less expensive. It is environmentally friendly. And, your software will be up to date so that you can avoid the 36 hour update required before you can actually use the software. As for movies. When was the last time that anybody rented a movie from a Blockbuster or Hollywood Video store? Most movies are available On Demand from your cable or satellite providers the day that they are released on DVD/BluRay. Sometimes sooner. You can also own a movie via outlets such as iTunes, Vudu and Amazon and watch them on your television as well as any of your mobile devices and computers anywhere at anytime without having to hoard discs in your entertainment center on a medium that is likely to be as antiquated as Beta VHS in less than 2 years.

Bottom Line

I realize that many people are scared or confused by new technology. Realistically, most of these people will be dead of natural causes inside of 10 years. So, is it really cost efficient for our economy and our environment to enable these people by encouraging them to hide from technology?

The answer is No. We need to move forward and let the late adapters catch up when they finally realize that we’re not going live in a retroactive society to accommodate their fear, confusion, frugality or laziness. It worked with the 3.5″ floppy disks, VHS tapes and 8-Track Tapes. When the stragglers finally realized that they were unable to obtain the latest media on any of these mediums they adapted or continued to watch Dirty Dancing and listen to the Fame soundtrack on their old equipment until their family and neighbors stopped making fun of them.

Until Next Time..

I would really like to purchase my next laptop without the bulk of DVD and IDE Hard Drives. Unfortunately, because so many people need an optical drive to watch movies because they won’t shell out $7/month for Netflix or Hulu. Or because some are so frightened that their photos of their family vacation will be hacked if they upload them to a cloud network. I am forced to either pay $600-$900 more for a slimline designed computer and pay my doctor bill by licking  a stamp and searching the city for one of those blue USPS drop off boxes.

Stop making my life so complicated just because you prefer to live your life that way.

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen