Less Than Half A Decade And I’m Still Smarter Than You

Today is my birthday and I don’t feel older, but I do feel wiser. Case in point. I was in a conversation with somebody much younger than me who stated that the Nintendo was “so retro”.

In my opinion; I classify “retro” as Disco, Punch Cards, B&W Television, Basic Cable included HBO, MTV had more than 20 videos.

Does this make me old or wiser? I believe its wiser. Why? Because I know where today’s technology came from. But, I have to say that many people my age are also ignorant to what I know. I wish I had a nickel every time somebody I went to high school with sent me a private message on Facebook and asked me to help them create a resume because they couldn’t figure out how to use a Word Processing application.

 You Have Become My Grandfather

I still remember the day my Grandfather walked in to the kitchen with tears in his eyes. When I asked him what had made him so sad, he replied, “Christy (His favorite teller at his bank) told me she couldn’t chat unless she charged me $2.50″.

I tried to explain to this broken hearted old man that Banks were encouraging people to use ATMs and Online Banking. However, these things were alien to him. All he knew was that this young girl was no longer willing to chat with him when he deposited his social security check without charging him a fee. Bless my Grandpa’s heart when he said “In my day I could have hired a girl for some fun for only $2.50″.

Why Do You Cling To Old Tech?

I understand that not everybody can afford to drop $2500 on the latest and greatest computers or $300 on a new smartphone. But, you can not expect your DVD to play from your VHS player or Madden 2014 to run on your Atari 2600 .

So why would you expect a prospective employer to look at your resume created in WordPerfect formatting? What were you expecting when you bought your kids a PlayStation and they laughed at you cause you couldn’t find the HDMI port on your 10 year old television?

Pick up a magazine. Read a newspaper. Online hopefully, because both are about to become extinct. Which leads to my next point.

Lose The Paper

Why are you still getting mail? Seriously. The United States Postal Service should not exist today. But it does because you’re too lazy to request online billing, statements and banking.

“But I need proof!”

Bah. Everything delivered digitally is available online. These things are still accessible when your house burns down unlike the folder files you put in that cute $39.99 file cabinet from Walmart.

I found it hysterical when I heard that most people wouldn’t have Donald Trump proof of their birth if they were asked to provide such documents. The most common response was “I’ll have to check storage”.

I can pull mine off of the “cloud” from a secure folder inside of 3 minutes.

I have access to all of my medical records.. and better.. so do my doctors.. from a website. I won’t deal with a doctor that doesn’t use mychart.org. Everything that is written down or typed in to a chart is available to any doctor that knows how to access it. My 68 year old doctor is more paperless than you are. That’s pathetic.

So Here’s What I’ve Learned

My under-educated classmates from high school and college have produced very happy families. The same people are frustrated because the wages from 1987 aren’t available anymore. They’re also pretty angry that they have to learn new skills; Skills they probably should have been learning 20 years ago instead of investing in to a mindless factory job.

I learned that I am able to adapt much quicker to new tech than my peers are. My peers are still stubborn and believe that a buck can be made with their hands. I have realized that my peers also believe that they deserve $14-$40/hour to assemble computer components and are infuriated when Chinese people are willing to work for $13/day to do the same thing.

I’ve learned that people still believe in God even when Science provides evidence that we’re an anomaly and on our own. Faith is a beautiful, community binding thing. But, to ignore science is edging dangerously closer to Religion becoming a Cult.

I’m not asking people of Faith to give up their “God”. But, I am asking them to think twice about the ancient rituals and rules.

Skip Religion.. Lets Talk End of Days..

In forty-four years I’ve learned that life on Earth could end on any day. It could be Yellowstone blowing or somebody in Iran who smoked  one too many bong hits to end life as we know it. Be realistic. The fact that we not only sustain life on this planet, but are able to evolve to point that we can pay our credit card bills online is evidence enough that we have done more in 100 years than any religion has done in 2000 years. Skip the collection basket next Sunday.

In Closing..

I realize that this sounded like an anti-Religion rant. However, I am just relaying what I have learned and experienced over the past 44 years of my life. I have been “Religious” and I have lived without Religion. My life has been the same. If you need it to get through your day then I’m not knocking it. But, life is tough. So, don’t give credit to that unseen magical being for what you have accomplished.

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

Does that make me a Conservative?

I went to the Emtees today to turn in my seltzer, coke and water cans/bottles in return for my $.05 deposits. I take the proceeds of these deposits by the way and donate them to charity each month. Just wanted to clarify that. Not justify. Just clarify.

So, I pull up and run in to get a big cart to load up with the 8 garden sized trash bags of cans/bottles in the back of my Jeep. I’m initially surprised by the lack of carts when I walk in. But, I’m confused because the place is packed. Not like Social Security Check day at the grocery store. More like Christmas shopping at the mall kind of packed.

I squeeze through the mass of smells ranging from body odor to 14 day old Mountain Dew to the cashier who looks seriously labored. I ask him where all the carts are and he responds “Shit man. Look at all the fuckin’ people. This place is fuckin’ busy. Times are hard, Dude”.

I could accept that. At first. Then I took a good look around and a second whiff of the air around me.

Stale beer. And every cart was full of empty beer cans and bottles.

I’m not a prude. In fact I’m an alcoholic and I can appreciate the satisfaction of a good buzz during desperate times. But, I noticed some things that ruined my picture of compassion.

1. Beer is expensive. Yes. The obvious first.
2. A Rolex Watch
3. 4 BMWs in the parking lot. 3 of them at least 10 years newer than my own.
4. Lots of Nike high top basketball shoes that looked brand new.

Now before I continue; let me preface by telling my first time readers that I am not a judgmental kind of guy. And, this is why I am concerned. I feel sort of dirty that I noticed these things. I wasn’t really frustrated with anything more than the lack of carts to carry my cans and bottles.

But, now I can see how people less tolerant are sucked in to that whirlpool of hate. As soon as somebody points out to you that a group of people are “poor”, you begin looking for reasons why they aren’t poor. Why they’re inconveniencing you.

As soon as I recognized these reactions, I had to get a hold of myself and rethink it all. Soon, it made sense to me. I knew what needed to be done.

Two bags at a time, I took my bottles and cans in to Emtees and started distributing them in to the carts of the people in front of the machines regardless of who they were, what they looked like, what they were wearing or what horse they rode in on. I heard a lot of “God Bless You” and “Thank You So Much” and a couple “What The Fuck”. But only one person’s words stuck with me as I left were the clerk’s:

“That was the classiest shit I’ve ever seen”.

Until Next Time,

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

I’ll be posting excerpts from my upcoming book right here. So, be sure to bookmark this page now.

Ever wonder how you can trim down that bloated friends list? I’ll teach you how! Stay tuned!

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

Remember that today is not about a 3 day weekend, booze & BBQ. It is about the men and women who made it possible for you to enjoy those activities today.

Be Safe,

Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

Red Tree – Who Moved My Cheese?

For anybody who is having issues dealing with change.. be it Facebook, their job, the economy, addiction etc.

Read this.. trust me.. it will help.

- Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

Lets face it.. with out the John Landis, Rocky & Karate Kid movies the music would have been much different during the 80′s.. and so would our lives.

Don’t buy in to the “It is never too late” bullshit

According to my M.D., on or around this date, my liver was supposed to begin failing as a result of the damage I was doing to it. This would be the first day of a two to three year long sentence of in-patient care. Testing, waiting and dying. That about summed up the rest of my life, beginning today.

But, I decided to change my life style, per his advice and instruction, and today my liver is 100% healthy.

Sounds easy when you say that out loud. But, let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy at all. And, I took the easy route to a healthy life style. Prescription anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine, regular counseling and a complete change of my daily routine. That is the “easy way” to give up booze, stress and the rest of the flotsam and jetsam that follow one down the whirlpool to rock bottom.

I have great respect for those that chose the more difficult paths such as cold turkey, Alcoholics Anonymous and Prison. Yeah, prison is actually an option people pro-actively to choose in order to clean up their act. As a matter of fact, all of the above are the only options for people with no money and no health insurance. This is something that many people who oppose a generous health care reform seem to over look. There are people out there not working because they are sick. Mentally and physically. And, the only medicine they can afford to dull the pain of their disease is the poison that causes it. Drugs and/or alcohol.

Anyways, today was the day I was supposed to start dying. Two to five years in a hospital if I was “lucky”. Since alcoholics and drug abusers are last on the list for donor livers, and transplants rarely succeed with patients who have done damage directly to themselves; I was going to die in two to five years. No miracle cures. No lucky breaks. Just inevitable  death. And plenty of health care bills for my fiance and family to be burdened with after I’m gone.

So, today I woke up and thought to myself, “Today is the first day of my second chance on life”.

I’ve got a great life right now. And, I haven’t taken a single thing for granted since the day I left my doctors’ office determined to change everything. I no longer have a reason to avoid responsibility or conflict. Everything I do in my life is for me, my Jenny, my family and my friends. And what ever is left over I share with those I have not yet met.

I’m still a real asshole. But, that is just one of the things that make me interesting.

Until next time…

Put your faith in to yourself as well as your ideals. If there isn’t enough to go around, give up the religion and make more room for your own dreams and ambitions. Life has enough rules enforced by Man and Nature to abide by. Why weigh yourself down with more rules written by men over 2000 years ago?

- Christopher “SpyderBite” Whalen

Anybody want to go get a beer with me and celebrate?!

Just kidding!!

Actually, I didn’t even realize that today was officially six months since my last drink. I had been counting the days religiously on 3 different calendars for a few months. Then I just started marking down the weeks. And, then I just sort of forgot to keep track all together. That is until today.

Jenny handed me a gift wrapped jewelry box with a simple card that said “To: Christopher Love Always: Jenny”. I opened it to find a beautiful black gunmetal finished engraved ID Bracelet. On the front were my simple initials. And on the back…

Congratulations
~ 6 Months ~

Read More

22 weeks of sobriety has given back a lot of clarity that has been absent as a result of consistent beer buzzes over the past 25 years. The other day I documented the Top 10 Things I’ve Learned About Myself after 22 weeks sober. With this new gift of clear thinking I’ve developed a second Top Ten list titled:

Top Ten Things I’ve Observed About Other People After 22 Weeks Sober:

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Sobriety is Sobering

I’ve had quite a few revelations about myself over the past 22 weeks. In 154 days, I haven’t had a single drink. At first I was a little nervous about being properly introduced and getting to know that fellow that I passed briefly on my way to the bathroom in the morning when I woke up.

22 weeks later I’m really glad that I took the initiative to get to know him better. We have very little in common. In fact, I wonder how the two of us managed to co-exist at all for 25 years.

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